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| I had a wow moment just now. Dave and I are taking a trip upstate to visit his family for the weekend and we just finished filling out a survey in the back of a book called "A Full Quiver" (recommended to us by his sister, Liz). The book is about a biblical perspective on family and children, and pretty much comes from the standpoint that children are a gift from God, and today's many forms of contraception are all part of a clever scheme of Satan to prevent new life and create a stigma around the idea of children and large families. Back to my Wow moment. Ever since I can remember I've dreamt about having a family. I never had a specific number of kids in mind but I knew I wanted to have some and part of me always felt like I'd have a lot. I felt like it was a calling on my life to be a wife and a mom. Dave and I got engaged in January and now all the hopes and dreams of having a family are right around the corner. As we finished filling out this survey and were going over the polled answers from a select group of church attendants, we found out that about 90% of all the people who took the survey were pro-sterilization and/or birth control. I've been hit repeatedly over the last year with convictions about children and family and contraception. I have battled for years with reproductive system problems like cysts and severe cramps, and a currently undiagnosed problem that I have yet to figure out. Years of pain and begging for healing and wondering when I would see an end to the suffering. In those moments when I was crying out to God to give me relief, I knew Satan was lurking in the corner trying to get me to turn away, trying to get me to turn my back on GOd and fall into despair and to lose all hope. I actually feared that whatever was wrong with me would cause me to never be able to have children, something I'd dreamt about for years. I felt like I would have done ANYTHING to escape the pain I was having! Anything to get better, to feel relief.. to not have to suffer like that anymore. When I went to the doctor I would sit in the office and at times I would feel like this person was my only chance. Maybe after THIS appointment, I could be better. Maybe they'd figure out what the problem was and fix it once and for all! And time after time I'd sit there explaining my problems, giving all the gory details about the pain I was going through, sometimes in TEARS. They had one answer for me. The thing that would solve all my problems.. the thing that would put a stop to the pain, put a stop to the episodes. The pill. They'd say that to me and my heart would sink to the floor. I would do anything to rid myself of these horrible painful episodes, but not that. Something was stopping me. In my worst moments when I was on the floor in the bathroom writhing in pain in the middle of the night, I would cry out to God for healing, for relief, for ANYTHING. In those moments I felt so far from Him.. so far from EVERYONE.. despairing. My "wow" came when I realized that in those moments He was building up in me a resistance. He was building up in me an endurance and a strength that caused me never to consider altering my body with chemicals made by man.. chemicals that could have eased my pain but also could have permanently damaged me and caused me to never have the family I KNEW I was called to have. I really don't know what the future holds for me but I thank God for carrying me through this. I didn't even realize it but He was preparing me even at my absolute worst moments. Lord, I know that You were with me in all those times. I know that the end to this struggle is near and I WILL BE HEALED. I believe that I will no longer suffer from these pains and that Dave and I will have a family that glorifies you FIRST and FOREVER. You are our reason for being and I praise You. Thank You for helping me say no to the pill. Thank you for whatever it was that You rescued me from by keeping me AWAY from the pill. Please purify my heart and my mind as I enter into marriage with Dave. Help me to not stop here, but to continue the journey towards a truly holy attitude towards children, marriage, and family. I love you, Lord!!! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GOD | | |
| Just got back from a great trip to Kentucky to visit with Dave's sister Liz and her family. It was such a blessing! We spent lots of time talking and praying and laughing and just enjoying the country (LOVE IT). While we were out there I felt this lift from the Lord like He was relieving me of some of the questions and confusions I'd been having regarding the difficult situations I'd been wrestling with inside myself. I feel this conviction which is hard to explain.. its like I felt so blind before about certain things that now have meaning and purpose.. but that meaning and purpose is so simple that I'm somewhat ashamed of not having seen it before :) I love when that happens. It's so like Him to gently guide me through, giving me the simple amazing truth a little bit at a time JUST when I'm ready for it. Thinking on this trial with my physical body, I now see opportunity and life and hope where I had only seen despair and death and hopelessness. I feel a faith coming on and a trust that I have never had before.. a trust in Him that truly may blind me to the obstacles the enemy sets up and make the vision of His will for me clearer and brighter than its ever been. It's a different attitude, and I know it's going to be hard to hold tight to it but I can see how precious and wonderful it is so I will do my best.
"..that you may love the Lord your God, that you may listen to His voice, and that you may hold fast to Him. For HE is your LIFE." -Deut. 30:20a
Dave and I really enjoyed our time out there. Spending time driving through the wide open fields, being so close to God's creation, and being in the company of others who had such a like-minded love for Him really made us start to consider whether we'd like to start our lives together in a place more like that and farther away from NYC. We'll be praying about it for sure. How exciting if we were called to a place like that! :D
Another thing God spoke to me was about family, kids in particular. While we were visiting with Liz and her husband Johnny and their 3 kids, Dave and I got to spend a lot of time with the kids. One night we offered to watch them so Liz and Johnny could go on a date (:D) and it was so much fun. As we were playing with the 3 of them (Lauren 6, Josiah 4, Carson 1) I thought back to when I was little and how much like Lauren I was. She loved to jump around and laugh and sing and dance and make noises and was just so full of life and joy! It's how I still feel in the presence of God! I love how children can just let that all out in front of other people without a second thought! It's who God made them and they're proud of it! Then I felt sad thinking about how I've seen families treat that WONDERFUL God-given trait in their kids. They extinguish it because it annoys them or makes things inconvenient, or they're afraid it might be annoying to other people and make them feel embarrassed. Little boys aren't allowed to be running jumping super-heroes and little girls aren't allowed to be singing dancing princesses. They're told that its wrong and inappropriate and before you know it they take that light and hide it deep inside and who knows what it will take for them to pull it out again later in life when they realize that who they were was GOOD and REAL and PRECIOUS. I don't mean all parents are this way, by any means.. I have just seen it enough to make me feel a weight on my heart to make sure I treasure those things about children. I was so excited to be spending time with kids who were free to hold their lights out proudly for everyone to see, it truly blessed my heart. I pray that I can be a mom someday who encourages every bit of who God makes my kids, and lets them know as often as I can how precious and beautiful and FREE they are in His eyes. I also want to learn from them and be reminded of the light God's given me. I want to have faith like a child. I want to run to my God flailing my arms, jumping, dancing, singing because His love for me gives a joy that won't be satisfied by any other type of behavior :D
I'll write more about our trip in another post, so many amazing God-things, but I'll leave now with a song by Ginny Owens:
Free
( listen - http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4038cad61cc4b00dd756 )
Turning molehills into mountains
Making big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how its been
Fear of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard and I'll fail
This is how its been
Til the day You pounded on my heart's door
And You shouted joyfully, "You're not a slave anymore!" you're
Free to dance
Forget about your two left feet and you're
Free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to me
Free to love
Cause I've given you My love and its made you free
Free
My mind finds hard to believe that
You'd become humanity
And change the course of history
Because You loved me so
And my heart cannot understand why You'd
Accept me as I am but you see
You've always had a plan and thats all I need to know
So when I am consumed by what the world will say
Its then You're singin to me as You remove my chains
Free to dance
Forget about your two left feet and you're
Free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to me
Free to love
Cause I've given you My love and its made you free
Oh, free from worry
Free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give
Free to smile
I've given you My love and its made you free
I have set you free!
<3
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| It's been a while since I last wrote so I wanted to give a little update and prayer request. I have been asking God for physical healing for almost 4 years now from severe abdominal cramps. I don't know what is causing them. I have had blood work, ultrasounds (internal/external), a CT scan, "female" tests, everything. So far it has all come back clean and I'm still having debilitating abdominal/pelvic pain episodes for about 2 weeks out of every month. When it first started happening I assumed it was just menstrual and normal, but as time went on the episodes became more severe and made it impossible for me to carry on with the every-day activities I was doing. I had to leave the Nyack softball team because of it, and any time I am experiencing the 2 week bouts with this pain, I cannot do anything physically exerting for more than a couple of minutes without starting to feel another episode coming on. I feel helpless and scared that whatever is wrong with me could be something serious. I know God is with me but I don't understand why He is choosing not to heal me right now. I guess I figured after all this time I would have found out what was wrong and been cured, but now with my wedding 5 months away and doctors shooting in the dark more than ever, I feel discouraged and far from hope. Now they are telling me I need to go for a colonoscopy, which is also scary for me. I'm concerned that this was just another "guess" and I'll go through that invasive procedure for nothing. I just want to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about my health.. not have to worry about finding a doctor who will know what's wrong with me and fix it. This has been going on so long I can't even remember what its like to be able to work out regularly, or do physical activities without having to hold back for fear of another "episode." Please keep me in your prayers as I have been deeply discouraged lately. I want to feel God's presence around me and His protection. I want to believe wholeheartedly that He hasn't forgotten me and that this pain I'm going through WILL cease soon. I really want to be set free from this, it has become such a heavy burden, I just don't want to carry it anymore and I definitely do not want to bring it with me into marriage. I need peace. Thanks for reading! | | |
| Wow I can't even believe I'm writing this. It's still sinking in.... Dave asked me to marry him last night. I feel like the most blessed girl in the WORLD. This is such a God thing I can't even COMMUNICATE how INSANELY happy I am. Okay, here's the story:
Friday, January 30th, 2009. I drove out to Long Island after I finished my half day of work. Dave and I were helping a friend of his friend Mark's with some car issues because her car was stolen and she needed to talk to the cops about a few things but her English isn't very good. So we took her to the police station, talked to them for a while, and then dropped her back off at work. After that, we went to the gym and worked out for a little bit.. (well.. Dave worked out, I ran for like 7 minutes and stretched for an hour lol). THENNNN we went over to the Cheesecake factory so we could eat and I could use a gift card I got for my b-day. Dave got this really good mango salad tortilla thing and I GOT A CRABBY PATTY. YES. A CRABBY PATTY. It was a crabcake (best one I think I've ever had) on a bun with tartar sauce on the side. Spongebob would be proud. So we finished eating and THEN we drove over to this OTHER mall... I keep forgetting the name of it so I'll edit that in later if I remember. When we got there the first place we stopped was American Eagle (of course) where we bought a couple things.. then we continued walking around and Dave wanted to look at some dress shirts over at Macy's so we started going there but couldn't find the men's department, and in our trek somewhere I started getting really nasty cramps, so I asked if we could go sit on some couches I saw outside the store. So we were sitting on the couches waiting for my cramps to go away and talking about some stuff. One of the things we talk about a lot is how blessed we feel and how obvious it is that God brought us together because of the crazy amount of things we have in common and how comfortable we are together.. and just our whole story from day 1. SO while we're sitting there, across from us was this jewelry store that I noticed because of the giant red and yellow signs plastered all over it reading: "COURT-ORDERED CLOSURE. BANKRUPTCY CLEARANCE SALE. ENTIRE INVENTORY MUST GO" These signs were surrounded by little pink and red hearts... in honor of Valentine's Day. We had a good laugh about that and decided to go in and see what they had. At this point I had decided I was gonna avoid the rings cause I didn't want to make Dave feel awkward but HELLO CLEARANCE SALE AT A JEWELRY STORE, I HAD to go in lol. So we go in, and Dave circled once and went straight for the rings :O. I was like OKAY we're looking at rings! (yay lol) So we sit down at the chairs and start looking at some, but most of them were really gaudy and SUPER expensive. So we're sitting there and Dave says "Let's go to Zales!" (commercial break) I was completely surprised that Dave was so interested in looking at rings, this was the first time we'd ever done this besides the time he showed me a ring online that he was looking at. We had talked about getting engaged but for all I knew it could have been a year from now! So we start walking to Zales and when we get there we sit down and the sales guy started showing us all the rings.. he was going into some technical stuff but I was stuck in the "OoOoOO SPARKLY!!!!!" zone. So we looked at this ring similar to the one Dave had showed me online but in person it didn't look as good, so we pulled out another one that I absolutely fell in love with. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. So I tried it on thinking (don't get attached don't get attached) when the salesman walked away and Dave turned to me. The look on his face let me know something was up but I refused to believe that it was gonna happen RIGHT THERE IN ZALES... but it did. He asked me to marry him right there. I couldn't believe it was happening. I went into some sort of shock and said yes about 50 times (if memory serves).. and that was it. He told me he had this whole thing planned and was gonna wait til spring so we could walk through Central Park in the city like we did the day we met.. and go to the bench where we sat and talked for hours so he could ask me there. But he said after seeing me with that ring on in the store he couldn't wait :D :D :D :D :D I asked if he had asked my parents (cause he told me that was one of the things he wanted to do before he asked me) and he said not yet! LOL So he got on the phone with both my parents and asked their permission (they said yes of course - they both LOVE him).. and then for the ring. I still didn't have it because Dave wanted to ask me before he told the salesguy he wanted to buy it (so that I'd be surprised not because if I said no he didn't wanna be out the cash LOL). So we finished getting the ring (its about 1 size too big, but they put one of those sizer things on it so I could wear it for a little while before giving it back to get it sized which takes about a week). So we left the store walking on clouds pretty much.. I could NOT stop smiling. Then we started calling family to tell them the news, I called my sis, he called his... etc the rest is history.
going on 13 hours of straight smiling.
:D :D :D :D :D :D
p.s. we drove back to Jersey afterwards and watched Father of the Bride with my mom, dad, and sis.. it was a good night :D :D :D
EDIT
I took more pics of the ring with my gooood camera :D Hereee they are..
God has been SO GOOD to us.
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| Today was a funky day.. I definitely got enough sleep last night but I felt groggy and weird anyway. I had this knot in my stomach like there was something wrong.. something making me sad. I tried to think about what it could possibly be but I couldn't come up with anything. I felt like I needed to pray but I couldn't really think of anything good to say. Finally I just started talking.. I told God I was feeling sad and I didn't know why. Then I started going on about other things, pretty soon I'd been talking for a good 10 minutes. It felt like I was venting to my best friend. I knew He already knew everything I was saying before I even said it.. but I told Him things as if He didn't already know anyway.. :) Then as it continued I started to realize the sad feeling I had was the same feeling I get when I miss somebody. I didn't have any big revelations or conclusions but the sad feeling went away just from talking to Him. I get this feeling from time to time and I usually try to find something to do to get my mind off of it.. but I realized today that its a longing to spend time in His presence. I think I tend to make prayer somewhat of a formal thing where I only do it when its intentional and organized, or something is going horribly wrong and I'm asking for help or guidance.. but if I only talked to my other friends for those reasons our relationships wouldn't be very enjoyable.. "Lord, thank You for hearing my prayers and wanting to be in relationship with me!! YOU are my desire!" <3 What a beautiful God | | |
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